True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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