I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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