thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
