you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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