The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How does one acquire holy water?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
