Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The convent might be a nice break from real life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize