I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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