I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
