my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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