So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This baby is an asshole
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
