ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
