I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
