my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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