I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
