Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
