Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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