What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
