You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
