I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
