I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
