dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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