if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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