The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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