it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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