The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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