My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
