if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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