I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize