I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
