Rock
Scissors
Fuck
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
