went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize