Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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