so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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