I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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