Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize