I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dear god my vagina.
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