You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
