The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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