you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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