Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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