Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
