I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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