Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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