just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
