i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
handjob tips. give me some.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
