I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
