At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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