After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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