i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
