i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
