Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
