I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
