I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
COCAINE IS GR8
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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