I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
