I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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