I think I died a long time ago.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
