I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
